Monday, March 04, 2002

At this moment, I've got "Yellow" by Coldplay in my head.

WARNING: 4 am rant about life situation coming up. Watch out for bad reasoning, mood swings, profane language, and a depressed view on life.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to please people. After a really frustrating day like yesterday, I just want to stop, throw up my hands and leave the entire situation behind. Right now, it seems like just about everyone has their objections to my behavior, and I just don't know what to change. Or even why I should change... blame cannot lie entirely in my ballpark. Between feelings of homesickness, stress, loneliness, annoyance at my horrible luck with boys, and anger at the behavior of those around me, I'm not exactly a happy camper at this very moment.

Let me talk bluntly here. I'm hurt by the inconsiderate actions of others. I think this is an important point to clear up. Sometimes I allow myself to be become blinded by my attempts at callousness. I try to let things roll off me, but some things just pierce into my skin and really bother me. For example, I'm sick of the marching band jokes and digs, probably one of the biggest problems I'm having with people right now. My roommate and the girl across the hall just love to make fun of the TMB. I'm always the "band dork," with my "geeky band friends," my "unhealthy fascination with band music," and my "idiotic, crazy practice times." Evidently I only know band people, I'm a band slut, and a lush at band parties - points that need to be brought up in front of everyone, including our Preview students. A little bit of teasing is okay; when it continues unabated for weeks, I begin to feel rather defensive about the entire subject. I complained about the high school marching band playing right outside my window, and the two of them just attacked me, saying that I had no right to talk about other marching bands because I'm in one. Evidently, I can't state my feelings of annoyance at being woken up at six in the morning on a Sunday by a bad rendition of "Dance to the Music." Evidently I can't tell the difference between a good band and a bad one, even though I spend my life listening to a good marching band. Evidently, I'm a sub-human being because I twirl flags in the TMB, and this activity just isn't cool enough for them.

Bullshit.

I love being in the band. It's one of the best things about USC. Even though band members are jerks to each other, I've found some of the closest and most loyal friends a girl could ask for in college. They call it a cult; I'm calling it a family. After spending so many hours dedicated to the band, doing gigs, practicing, and performing at games, I feel a certain cameraderie with these people that I just can't share with my other friends. This is something really special to me. And I get extremely incensed when this part of my life is belittled. Sure, there are problems with band. I don't deny that. However, I still don't appreciate my supposedly good friends dismissing the TMB as just the "geeky marching band." It's not nice. It's not considerate. And it certainly doesn't feel like they're my friends.

And another thing... I've always been the type of person that has wanted to be in the middle of the action. I tend to put off work, "me time," and family time in order to be able to stay right in the midst of everything. For the most part, this isn't a bad thing. I become involved with other people, I have a lot of fun, I know about the affairs of my friends. However, I also spread myself too thin at times in my attempt to be involved in just about every possible activity. At times like this, I'd appreciate the people around me being a bit more sensitive around me. Yeah, I know, fat chance. It seems like I've been excluded from more things around my dorm than included. No one tells me anything anymore; my best friends at the beginning of the year are having too much fun without me. And it hurts, especially since I try to inquire into their lives. I don't know how else to go about it. It's probably just a naturally progression of the friendship with these people... but it stinks, because I always thought of them as my favorite people at USC. Especially my roommate.

The aforementioned rant probably didn't make a whole lot of sense. I spent an hour writing about a bunch of nothing. I'm still hurt, still confused, and still feeling ignored, but at least it's out in the open now. And I can focus on other things. Like the two papers that are due... really soon. Shoot. And I'll probably feel better after this day is done, thank goodness.