Thursday, July 24, 2003

Warning: Angry rant that I will regret in about three hours.

You know what? Why do I bother?

I try to be friendly and nice and your friend. And you don't like me. Or care a lot about me.

Our plans are CANCELED. Fuck that shit. I don't need to be the one who always IMs. I don't need to be the one who makes all the effort. I don't want to be the one who writes you a letter to cheer you up. I don't care about always calling you and making plans... and you never reciprocate. I'm sick and tired of trying. When you make your little exclusive lists, I'm pissed that I'm never mentioned. When you write your odes, I'm never the subject. When I say nice things, you never repeat them. And yes, this is petty and foolish and silly. I'm seething with jealousy, and quite frankly, a little sick that I'm obviously not a friend despite my best efforts.

I'm like the non-entity. The one who's around, but never special. And dammit, I'm special. And I'm sick of being the pushover. So, that's it. No more.

And in a day, I will think, "Gee, I was being dramatic and over-reacting," and will return to my former role of attempting to get your attention. Just because I know that's how I am. And this isn't the first time I've felt like this.