Dramatic Monotony

Friday, February 28, 2003

I had to.

I turn even my straight friends gay.

fuclasux: but brad pitt.... i'd fuck him in the ass

Shoot. It's a curse. Back to Harrison Ford now.


I have good intentions, but I don't always convey them in the proper manner. And when I care about something or someone, I tend to push them away or over-react... or just say the entirely wrong thing. I think that's a part of being human.

It's been a couple of days of thinking. When you can't sleep because of the coughing, you have a lot of time to think. I watched The Clock this morning on Turner Classic Movies. I enjoyed young Judy Garland. Now it's time for Witness. Young Harrison Ford always puts me in a better mood.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Okay, I've done it.

I finally uploaded all of the pics from my camera. Boy, there were a lot. So, I'm gonna start off with the memorable Orange Bowl pictures.

That week started off with a lovely trip to Disneyland. Here are a few of my favorite Silks on the tram to the park.

Then, on the bus, Andrea... well, she was a bit incapacitated. I played "nurse" - ie, forced water down her throat. It was fun. Trust me.

Another bus picture: unfortunately, we shared with the drummers. But at least I got this classic picture of one of the freshmen. Rosie asked me to take it. It's her fault.

Plane activities - again, I'm blaming it on the drummers sitting next to me. We had the BIGGEST pillow fight during the descent. Ivan started it. It was him. And I promise, I didn't throw a single pillow. ::clears throat::

This is Nietta acting silly. 'Nuff said.

South Beach - that was interesting. Here's Sam, Marco, and Emily. Note Sam's excellent job of covering up her disgust for the horn section. She's a fabulous actress.

And finally, my favorite picture from the trip. Me and Nietta being silly... ahhhh... It's a great hat, n'est-ce pas?

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

You know, I hate poetry.

I think I'm just lousy at it. blah. Forget that last entry - your mind will be better for not reading it.

Still no great progress on the paper.

I revised the poem a bit. Here's a rough draft of it.

Environment as I attempt to ignore you: (Okay, the title needs work)

I fidget.

The rain buffeting my windowpane.
A distant airplane soaring overhead.
Murmurs of computers filling the background.
Sighs of frustration escaping my lips.

I squirm.

Musty clothes lying in a pile by the door.
A treasured perfume wafting through air.
Clean bedclothes emanating detergent.
Your scent haunting my mind.

I yearn.

A lamp illuminating a dark corner.
Pink fabrics appearing to float overhead.
Shadows darkening in the recesses.
My eyes summoning your visage.

I dream.

Hints of raspberry staining my lips.
A coconut jellybean clinging to my tongue.
My mouth savoring the last cookie.
Memories of your flavor enticing me.

I ache.

Keyboard acquiescing to demanding fingers.
Well-worn denim cloaking my legs
The desk scraping against cold skin.
Chills cavorting across my goosebumps.

I fail.

My mind wanders back to you.

PMS is bad.

I feel better about tonight, though. I've had two major revelations.

One apology.

One poem.

Still a paper to go.

Monday, February 24, 2003

It's the middle of a hellish two weeks.

Lab quiz today, paper due tomorrow, another midterm tomorrow, research paper topics - It's all too much. I'm stressed. I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

At least my dad's out of the hospital. I talked to him today and he was wobbling around the house with a walker.

Friday, February 21, 2003

An old habit:

Wow, I haven't done this in a while. I finished a book in a night. I took a break from the Quark and the Jaguar to read About a Boy by Nick Hornsby. It was great to do some "blow-off" reading. Especially since the Quark and the Jaguar is so... umm... I believe boring is the correct word.

Next on Jen's extracurricular "Being a More Enlightened Person" booklist: A Room with a View by E.M. Forster and Northanger Abbey by the inimitable Jane Austen. Slowly, but surely, I will turn into a well-read English major. My American lit professor started listing all of these authors that wrote about California, and I was happy to say that I've read books by all of them. Did I like most of the books? Not particularly. Joan Didion just isn't my cup of tea. Neither is Steinbeck, to tell the truth. But I'm going to continue with this extracurricular reading bonanza. It makes me feel better about my semester.

There's nothing quite like going to a good library. Doheny Memorial Library at USC is a good library.

Whenever I walk into the bookstacks, I feel like I'm entering another world. And to be quite honest, it's rather daunting. There are so many wonderful books out there to read - and here I am, stuck with the task of trying to decipher the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. I like this challenge. I've gotten rather proficient at manuevering through the stacks - I know where specific authors are located, as well as the sites of many different call numbers. Sometimes, when I'm in a hurry, I check the catalog to see if the book's available, run down to the appropriate floor, grab the book, and check it out without bothering to write down the call number. Surprisingly, that saves me some time - although I can't do it all the time. At other times, I just go and linger in the bookstacks or in a reading room. It makes me feel "academic."

I recently visited the LA Central Public Library. I think I'm going to make this place part of my library routine. I was only there for about forty five minutes, but that was enough to become entranced by the magic of the place. I want to live in the children's section. Do you think that's possible? Perhaps not, but I understand the draw to be a librarian. My mom's experience has convinced me that I never want to be one... but I think I know why she loves it so much.

Basically, I'm glad I'm an English major - this just means I have even more opportunities to read.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Not the greatest day...

My dad's in the hospital. He threw his back out, and he hasn't been able to move for two days. Of course, being the obstinant person he is, he only just went to the hospital today. The hospital's full, so he's in in a bed in the hallway. And they can't find anything wrong with his back in the preliminary tests, so he can't stay in the hospital past tonight.

They're so STUPID! Fuck, he can't move - doesn't that qualify as requiring hospitalization?

I was supposed to go to a Canterbury meeting, but my mom called me with that news. And to be quite honest, I don't really want to go now. I'm thirty five minutes late and all I want to do is cry and rush home.

I know I don't talk about my parents a lot here, but my dad's my hero. I want to grow up to be half as cool as he is. I want to travel the world just like him. I want to be able to speak Arabic fluently, just like him. I want to know half as much about computers and televisions and electronic goodies as he does. I want to be a character, just like he is. I want to love my daughter as much as he loves me. We have the most terrible fights - sometimes, when things were at their worst in high school, we refused to talk to each other for weeks. But I know he gets so mad because he loves me.

Supposedly this isn't serious. But needless to say, I'm still upset about it.

Monday, February 17, 2003

Jen's Current News:

Currently reading: Howards End - only 10 more pages until I'm finished.

Currently listening to: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye - whoops, it's switched to Men At Work's "Down Under." It's an 80s mix, I tell ya!

Currently pondering: I love my friends. But even more importantly, I love that I know when to call it quits. At least that's one thing I learned from my living situation last year. If they don't care about me... then I can't bother caring about them. After awkwardness on Friday at Nicole's shindig, I've realized that I don't need a certain person in my life.

Currently sore from: The amazing work-out I got from cleaning an industrial-sized kitchen at the United Rescue Mission. Who knew that pushing a broom around would require so many different muscle groups?

Currently talking to: Ian. I love that boy. He makes me laugh.

Currently lusting after: No one. And feeling rather happy about this.

Currently looking forward to: the arrival of a package from my parents. It has a new shirt, a couple of DVDs and who knows what else? I love my random presents from Mom and Dad - but more importantly, I love them.

Currently excited about: Anne's date! Go Anne! I still need to hear the details, but I'm still on air that my girl Anne went on a DATE!! With a cute boy!! I can't wait for my next phone call to Austin.

Currently eating: these funny little Thai banana cookies. I don't know what they're called - all the writing on the package was in some sort of Thai script. But they taste good.

Currently... ending this entry.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

Thanksgiving for President's Day:

I saw a Thai Elvis impersonator sing "Heartbreak Hotel" while scarfing down the most delectable shrimp cakes known to man. (Amy and I always order the best things)

I've spent the past two days in my pjs. (Old Navy yoga pants and fleece)

I listened to Chet Baker sing Gershwin tunes. (You have such good taste, Suzanne)

I smoked hookah on Friday, and was consequently chided by my daddy on Saturday. ("But you used to do it!" "So?!")

I watched half of a good movie (Amelie) and read half of a good book. (Good in Bed)

And I've spent the night elsewhere for both nights. (Thanks for the pads, Nicole and Sam)

I learned that there's a horn in a woodwind quintet. (Who would've known? Thanks, Marco)

And I'm going on a tour of downtown today with two of my favorite people. (Kristen and Manny)

Did I mention that I love long weekends? Woohoo! And I STILL have a whole day to work on my take-home midterm/English paper/anthropology questions/bio reading.

Friday, February 14, 2003

And now... I'm bored enough to answer the Friday Five!

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.
As I started browsing through the world of the internet, I noticed a lot more personal journals out there. I liked them a lot more than personal webpages, for the most part. They were updated fairly often, revealed quirky facts about the subject, and showed a different online aspect of people. It was cool - and I wanted to join in.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?
Yes, anyone who checks my instant messenger profile knows about my blog. However, I haven't told my parents about it... not because I'm ashamed, but it just hasn't come up in conversation. This is an ancillary pasttime of mine, and I feel it dosen't deserve my primary attention.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?
No, I don't. I have a title that seems a bit overblown and theatrical, but not a theme.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?
I'm actually thinking of making this into more of a travel journal this summer. A couple of friends of mine hope to travel to Europe this summer - hopefully, these plans will be finalized. If not, it'll be a place where I can post a lot of my pictures - that's definitely something that's been lacking as of late. I have a TON of photographs, but I just rarely upload them to the internet.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs.
In no particular order:
1. I like laurgasm.com quite a bit - it's a great combination blogger/website/photo album. This girl's very cool. I wish I knew her a little bit better, but she was in my CORE 101 class and I loved hanging out with her.
2.My favorite journal was taken down by its owner during the summer - it was jeremiahpeterson.com. It was sad. I loved hearing about his romps with his boys in the beautiful city of Chicago.
3.I really enjoy Rena's Livejournal when she updates it. I used to chat with her a lot - now we're both busy with college and such, so it's nice to see what she's up to.
4. The first live journal that I read often was collapsing.blogspot.com. I don't read it much any more, but I still sometimes browse and see what he's up to. He's a nice guy.
5. I had a fifth one, but I'm deleting it. There ya go - this is where you go and find your own fun place.

Restaurant Decision:

I think we have a winner!
It's a place called Thai Palms Restaurant in Hollywood. Evidently it's a very cheap, but very good Thai dining establishment... but the BEST part is the Singing Thai Elvis. Yep, that's right. It's a Thai Elvis. Evidently parking is a bitch, but when isn't parking a problem in LA?

I'll report back to you on the quality level of the Thai Elvis and whether or not he got me "All shook up!"

Happy Valentine's Day, guys.

The holiday of candy, pink hearts, and "d'amour" - too bad I don't have a significant other. But this year, my girlfriends and I are celebrating the lack of boys with a full out "Goddesses Galore" celebration over at Nicole's apartment. It should be fun - My Big Fat Greek Wedding, lots of food, and tons of sugary substances. Before that gets going, I'm taking my roommate out to dinner. We haven't decided where - all we know is that we're gonna dress up.

I should probably look around and try to make reservations someplace. If you have any suggestions and you're reading this by three TODAY, let me know.

Now, hopefully this headache will disappear. No, I do not have a hangover, thankyouverymuch - I knew what some of you were thinking.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

It's been raining for the past two days.

You know what? I kinda like it. Sure, I was wet all day, but it was enjoyable. I think I needed a break from the monotony of sunshine.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Phase 1 of RA Application:

Done! I turned it in today at 4:15.

Now, let's see if I get an interview...

Friday, February 07, 2003

The Major Update:

Watch out guys, it's a long one.

Scenario 1: I had a friend post a diatribe about how much her friends suck. I assume this includes me. I would consider myself one of her friends. And then, when I get offended about being told that I suck, I'm told that I have a meager little life. I shrug it off. It's not worth getting upset over.

And then this friend says to me, "I meant 'Fuck you'."

Scenario 2: I decide that I need to focus on school, community service, and my spiritual journey this semester. These are all things that I have been neglecting for activities that are a lot more fun, like band, football season, partying, and having a good time with friends. I've experienced some heartache this year that has froced me to re-think my path in life. So, I wrote my section leader the following letter:

"Due to time constraints and academic difficulties, I just don't think I can be an active member of Spring Silks. This semester is an important one for grades - I'm aiming to move my GPA back up to a 3.7. Also, I'm focusing on EDCO and that application process. I've joined a community service organization that has mandatory service hours. In addition, I'm attempting to be more active in the Episcopalian community. They're awesome people that I neglected during the fall for band stuff. Essentially, I don't want to spread myself too thin. I don't want to bring the section down by not knowing my shit - if I can't make it to practices on a regular basis, then I wouldn't want to endanger our reputation. Unfortunately, I have meetings during every single practice time except for occasional Sundays.

This has been a tough decision. I'm not trying to flake out on you. I just wanted to let you know that this spring is difficult for me. I'll have more time by the middle and end of semester, but even then, I can't make any of the Preview gigs because of class conflicts. I still love you guys, and I look forward to the fall. And I promise to get in touch with you to learn Credit, Alright Now, and review Dance to the Music and Rocky. I KNOW I need work on those four routines."

She gets upset at me, refuses to talk to me for three days, and has *finally* just initiated contact with me. Evidently prioritizing is a selfish move on my part.

Scenario 3: I try joining a sorority again. Before doing this, I talk to one of my friends who's a member - she encourages me to do so. I think informal rush goes well. I love the girls, I love the house, and I think I click. I try not to get my hopes up, but when I get rejected, AGAIN, it's still tough. My pride is hurt. And of course, I see these girls all the time, so I have to be sweet and chipper and pretend like it didn't hurt me. And the thing that makes it worse is that I truly like these girls too, so I genuinely want to be friendly. At the same time, though, it's difficult to acknowledge the fact that I'm not going to be like my other high school friends who ARE Greek. I have the following email exchange with the Recruitment of VP:

I just wanted to write you a quick note to share my impressions of ______. Throughout the entire Spring Recruitment process, I only met extremely classy, intelligent individuals. Lauren, Kyra, Tracy, Lia, Kristen, Sally, Whitney, Ceres, Meredith - these girls, as well as the many other girls I encountered, strike me as amazing representatives of your sorority. I understand the limitations of the Panhellenic in the amount of bids you can offer. While it's sad to think that I won't be an ______, I feel honored to have been treated with such respect by an amazing group of women. I got a beautiful glimpse at the bonds of your sisterhood.

Thank you for redeeming my view of Greek Life after a dismal, nerve-wracking Fall Recruitment. I really felt disillusioned with the entire system after formal rush, but I saw something different in _____. So, I decided to give it one more shot. And the past three days have only reinforced that feeling of preference for _____ in my heart. Sometimes, things don't work out how I would have liked them to... but this is the way life is. Quotas, limits, and rejection have an unfortunate role to play for everyone. And if not being asked to join a sorority is the toughest thing I have to handle in my life- well, I'll feel pretty lucky.

Congratulations on your position as VP of Recruitment. I wish you the best of luck in the fall during Formal Rush.



Your words have only enforced Esther's view that you have really grown since last fall. I appreciate such kind words and it shows that you are more mature than I am. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that if you ever have any questions you feel like you can talk to me. Good luck and I hope to see you around.

I have an amazing exchange with one of the alums who wrote a rec for me. She basically promises Alumna Initiation into her sorority - and while that's an amazing offer, I'm still understandably upset about not being a part of Greek life in college. And it's a tremendous blow to my ego, regardless of whether or not I want to admit it.

Scenario 4: I'm homesick. I want to go back to Texas. I look around the USC campus and see a familar faces all around - but none of them really want to see me. I'm having problems believing that I belong. I just want to go to my house, hug my parents, and watch movies all day long.

And while I really don't believe that, I think these feelings of doubt about my situation are compounded by just feeling sickly. I've had this lingering cold for the past two weeks, and for the past two days, I've had stomach problems.

Scenario 5: My classes are HARD. I'm taking neuroscience, CORE 103, anthropology 371, American Literature, and EDCO, the RA class. There's a lot of work in all of them. There's a lot of reading for all of them. And I'm feeling like I'm falling behind every moment that I sit down and relax. So, I've been attempting to read, and then every time I try, I fall asleep while reading. I need to do well if I want to go to graduate school. But I feel like it's an uphill battle everywhere I turn. Am I just too stupid for this?

Scenario 6: I want to be an RA. It's a tough process at USC - there's a lot of competition, there's a drawn out application process, and there are a lot of commitments involved with it. I'd have to seriously limit my extracurriculars next year to accommodate the position. It's a huge responsibility, but seriously, I know that I could do an amazing job. I love meeting new people, I love being involved, and I feel like I'm fair the vast majority of the time. But it's difficult to get that across to my teachers - and it'll be difficult to convey that message to the Office of Residential and Greek Life, who would be my employers. But I'm still striving, and I'm hoping that maybe something good will come out of all this.

To sum up my semester so far... Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. But I'm persevering. And I think I'm learning something about myself through it all.

Monday, February 03, 2003

I'm not dead.

It's just not the best time to update. I'm really just in the midst of waiting for something to happen.