Tuesday, April 27, 2004

My Nan died yesterday. She was the last of my grandparents. I'm having a hard time coping with this news. I can't cry. I can't do anything, really. I'm acting quite normally. I talked to my dad, and he's in a similiar state of "non-grief." Freda was such a difficult woman, especially as she grew older. Alzheimer's, manic depression, bipolarity, asthma, heart problems... she was a mess, both physically and mentally. She didn't recognize anyone, so she refused to talk to people. This fact probably hurts the most. Nan would always talk to everyone and anyone - one time, she went to Egypt and managed to meet some long lost childhood friends in Cairo. I also find people that I know all over the world; my dad attributes this trait to my grandmother. We had a lot in common.

My last moments with Nan rank up there with my worst experiences in life. I've been haunted by my final vision of her for four years now. I wrote about it in high school. I still see her crazed face as she pushed me away, and ran out into the driveway in Westhaughton; her screams still resonate in my ears. I've never spoken to her since then. My father completely cut her off from our life. I was supposed to visit her this summer during my time in England. This was how I was going to mend the past. Now, peace will be more difficult to obtain.

I haven't been forthright with this information. I don't like to talk about my family's darkest moments. It's a lot easier to gloss over the difficult times, but I need to stop acting like a Noble. I have an ancestral history of emotional detachment; we're a cold, tough clan. I'm the last of the Nobles - perhaps this frigidity will end with me. I'm making efforts, but I don't know about my progress. I was just recently called an "ice queen" by a good friend, and that hurt because it hits close to home. I really love my friends and family, but it's difficult for me to show it. Trite sentimentality rings false with me - I can't deal with things that are so cheesy and overdone. But sincerity is just as difficult to achieve. I guess I'm just asking for patience, especially at the end of a year that seemed both tremendously long and horribly short.

I cry so easily at other things. Why can't I cry for my Nana?