Friday, February 07, 2003

The Major Update:

Watch out guys, it's a long one.

Scenario 1: I had a friend post a diatribe about how much her friends suck. I assume this includes me. I would consider myself one of her friends. And then, when I get offended about being told that I suck, I'm told that I have a meager little life. I shrug it off. It's not worth getting upset over.

And then this friend says to me, "I meant 'Fuck you'."

Scenario 2: I decide that I need to focus on school, community service, and my spiritual journey this semester. These are all things that I have been neglecting for activities that are a lot more fun, like band, football season, partying, and having a good time with friends. I've experienced some heartache this year that has froced me to re-think my path in life. So, I wrote my section leader the following letter:

"Due to time constraints and academic difficulties, I just don't think I can be an active member of Spring Silks. This semester is an important one for grades - I'm aiming to move my GPA back up to a 3.7. Also, I'm focusing on EDCO and that application process. I've joined a community service organization that has mandatory service hours. In addition, I'm attempting to be more active in the Episcopalian community. They're awesome people that I neglected during the fall for band stuff. Essentially, I don't want to spread myself too thin. I don't want to bring the section down by not knowing my shit - if I can't make it to practices on a regular basis, then I wouldn't want to endanger our reputation. Unfortunately, I have meetings during every single practice time except for occasional Sundays.

This has been a tough decision. I'm not trying to flake out on you. I just wanted to let you know that this spring is difficult for me. I'll have more time by the middle and end of semester, but even then, I can't make any of the Preview gigs because of class conflicts. I still love you guys, and I look forward to the fall. And I promise to get in touch with you to learn Credit, Alright Now, and review Dance to the Music and Rocky. I KNOW I need work on those four routines."

She gets upset at me, refuses to talk to me for three days, and has *finally* just initiated contact with me. Evidently prioritizing is a selfish move on my part.

Scenario 3: I try joining a sorority again. Before doing this, I talk to one of my friends who's a member - she encourages me to do so. I think informal rush goes well. I love the girls, I love the house, and I think I click. I try not to get my hopes up, but when I get rejected, AGAIN, it's still tough. My pride is hurt. And of course, I see these girls all the time, so I have to be sweet and chipper and pretend like it didn't hurt me. And the thing that makes it worse is that I truly like these girls too, so I genuinely want to be friendly. At the same time, though, it's difficult to acknowledge the fact that I'm not going to be like my other high school friends who ARE Greek. I have the following email exchange with the Recruitment of VP:

Me:
I just wanted to write you a quick note to share my impressions of ______. Throughout the entire Spring Recruitment process, I only met extremely classy, intelligent individuals. Lauren, Kyra, Tracy, Lia, Kristen, Sally, Whitney, Ceres, Meredith - these girls, as well as the many other girls I encountered, strike me as amazing representatives of your sorority. I understand the limitations of the Panhellenic in the amount of bids you can offer. While it's sad to think that I won't be an ______, I feel honored to have been treated with such respect by an amazing group of women. I got a beautiful glimpse at the bonds of your sisterhood.

Thank you for redeeming my view of Greek Life after a dismal, nerve-wracking Fall Recruitment. I really felt disillusioned with the entire system after formal rush, but I saw something different in _____. So, I decided to give it one more shot. And the past three days have only reinforced that feeling of preference for _____ in my heart. Sometimes, things don't work out how I would have liked them to... but this is the way life is. Quotas, limits, and rejection have an unfortunate role to play for everyone. And if not being asked to join a sorority is the toughest thing I have to handle in my life- well, I'll feel pretty lucky.

Congratulations on your position as VP of Recruitment. I wish you the best of luck in the fall during Formal Rush.

~Jen

Response:

Your words have only enforced Esther's view that you have really grown since last fall. I appreciate such kind words and it shows that you are more mature than I am. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that if you ever have any questions you feel like you can talk to me. Good luck and I hope to see you around.

I have an amazing exchange with one of the alums who wrote a rec for me. She basically promises Alumna Initiation into her sorority - and while that's an amazing offer, I'm still understandably upset about not being a part of Greek life in college. And it's a tremendous blow to my ego, regardless of whether or not I want to admit it.

Scenario 4: I'm homesick. I want to go back to Texas. I look around the USC campus and see a familar faces all around - but none of them really want to see me. I'm having problems believing that I belong. I just want to go to my house, hug my parents, and watch movies all day long.

And while I really don't believe that, I think these feelings of doubt about my situation are compounded by just feeling sickly. I've had this lingering cold for the past two weeks, and for the past two days, I've had stomach problems.

Scenario 5: My classes are HARD. I'm taking neuroscience, CORE 103, anthropology 371, American Literature, and EDCO, the RA class. There's a lot of work in all of them. There's a lot of reading for all of them. And I'm feeling like I'm falling behind every moment that I sit down and relax. So, I've been attempting to read, and then every time I try, I fall asleep while reading. I need to do well if I want to go to graduate school. But I feel like it's an uphill battle everywhere I turn. Am I just too stupid for this?

Scenario 6: I want to be an RA. It's a tough process at USC - there's a lot of competition, there's a drawn out application process, and there are a lot of commitments involved with it. I'd have to seriously limit my extracurriculars next year to accommodate the position. It's a huge responsibility, but seriously, I know that I could do an amazing job. I love meeting new people, I love being involved, and I feel like I'm fair the vast majority of the time. But it's difficult to get that across to my teachers - and it'll be difficult to convey that message to the Office of Residential and Greek Life, who would be my employers. But I'm still striving, and I'm hoping that maybe something good will come out of all this.

To sum up my semester so far... Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. But I'm persevering. And I think I'm learning something about myself through it all.