Friday, May 07, 2004

I had a panic attack last night.

I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing. I was dry heaving. My hands were shaking. I couldn't stop tears from coming out. I was just struck with this sense of complete failure and fear. I felt physically incapacitated, unable to face that blank screen with the blinking cursor. Piles of books and notes sit in front of me. I have outlines and ideas about every paper that I still have to turn in, but I just can't sit down and force those ideas into sentences. I'm struck with the biggest case of writer's block that I've ever faced.

I've never had problems with anxiety before... or at least not to this extent. But for some reason, I can't face Word. I'm having so many difficulties concentrating. In the long run, this is a silly thing to make myself sick over. I've had plenty of time. Why couldn't I do what I needed to do?

I feel like an abject failure as a student. I'm going into my senior year, and I need to be more prepared than this. I have brilliance inside of me. I just can't force it outside of that little part of me. It's not laziness... but I don't know what it is.